Saturday, January 31, 2009

this week. . .

Dude's departure on Monday has been hard on all of us. . . .

It's been a long week.

She wasn't doing well all last weekend. She went downhill after I reduced her steroids. . . but, even after I returned to original dosage, she still didn't do any better. We said we would call the doctor Monday. . . All weekend she wasn't eating much, or drinking. . . getting weaker. . . Monday morning, right before Sam went to work, he found her in our room next to the radiator. Sitting and smiling at him. He lifted her to bring her downstairs. . . and she died on the way down the steps.

I think she was waiting for him.

Later that morning, as it all was sinking in, we watched the ravens out the living room window, flying back and forth from Sally's roof to her trees. . . Big, black ravens. . . maybe three of them. . . And wondering. . . .

We kept Jack home from school and buried her next to Tyler at Sam's parents.

Very sad. A lot harder this time. . . More of the same: the house is too quiet.. .just doesn't feel right. But harder. Different.

Max has been depressed. Whining at her after she died. Monday night I took him for a walk, thinking he would be full of crazy energy. . . He spent the whole walk just sniffing at everything. Like he was looking for her. . . Lots of laying around. For a few days, he refused to eat of the food bowl that he had designated as hers.

Jack told me the night before last that his eyes were tricking him, and that he kept seeing Dude around the house. Me too. . .

Doesn't help that we have been stuck in the house with all the snow and cold. Jack had one day off (well, two if you count Monday when we kept him home). . .and two snow delays. . .

But, life is marching on. . . We have been watching the birds at the birdfeeder. . .
And, one evening, we caught a small herd of deer at the birdfeeder trying to eat as well.

Last night, in the car on the way to Target, Jack told us about his two girlfriends on the bus (who happened to be having a fight. . . and him feeling that they have to get along because they are his girlfriends). I am hoping very much that he means that they are friends who are girls, and that he is not a budding polygamist.

Spots of light. . .

Today, Sam had an MRI for his knee. . . hoping all is not so bad. . . He brought us doughnuts on his way home. . . Drank coffee. . . ate breakfast. . .

Luke is happily working on his cutting skills. . . Snipping signs after breakfast next to the warm heater. . . Hanging his little artwork all over the living room. . .

Smiling moments. . .

Thursday, January 29, 2009

let the bedtime madness begin. . .

It is 8:55 pm. . .

Sam is snoozing on the bed upstairs. . . . .

and the boys are bouncing crazily on the couch. . .

Where do they get this wild energy, moments before bedtime?

PS. . . Do you think Sunocco would deliver milk to the house tonight? Hmmm......

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

snow day. . .

making me happy right now. . .

big fat flakes outside the kitchen window
while the chocolate chip cookies that Jack and I made
fill the house with a favorite childhood fragrance

Luke's happy voice drifting out to my ears
as he plays happily with cars
in the dining room

finding Jack (home with a snow day) in the quiet living room
at the coffee table
reading. . .
a coloring book
all by himself
just because he wanted to know what it says
Mama, come see this funny part. . .
[thank you Wonder Pets Save the Puppy]

and calling him out to the kitchen
to see the birdfeed
newly filled
attracting many beauties:
mr. and mrs. cardinal
chickadees (known as chippies by my great grandma smith)
a titmouse

Max dropping his ball at my feet
let's play. . .

the gift of a snow day. . .

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

remembering. . .

our Lady X. . . .


lover of the great outdoors. . .


companion to and tamer of the great unruly Max. . .


snow puppy . . .


opener of the screen door, and sneaker in-er when no one was watching. . .



patient endurer of Dada's practical jokes. . .



finder of that one spot of sunshine. . .
and epicurean of rawhide. . .

lover of walks. . . car rides. . . and the great jog, dog, jog. . .



great giver of kisses. . .

great lap snuggler. . .


aka: Dude. . . Dude Wude. . . Dudentain. . . Big-O. . . Poopy Bo Jangles. . . and many silly other things we could rhyme together. . .


went to find her buddy Tyler yesterday morning. . . after bravely, patiently, and uncomplainingly fighting a brain tumor for weeks. . .
her favorite games included: gimme that stick!. . . dog kabossee. . . x-ey bronco. . . and x-ey crackhouse. . .
we were very lucky to share 12 beautiful. . . bark-filled. . . kiss and snuggle-filled years with her. . .
and she is very much missed. . .

Monday, January 26, 2009

dinner with mr. obvious


We took Lukey to see his new school on Sunday. An open house at Aquinas Academy to see the preschool room (declining to tour the rest of the school). . . we sent Jack there two years ago. . . and already. . . is it really time to think about real school for our Luke? We commented all day about how small he seems (relatively speaking, of course). . .

He is the one I worry about leaving. He is the one who clings to me. . .

And as we entered the room full of strangers and children, he ran to the train table. Not noticing one moment whether we hovered round or stayed across the room.

We saw dear Mrs. Szakos and dear Mrs. Davis. So good to see their smiling faces again. Such sweet, good teachers. They were the ones that made it easier to let Jack go for the first time. Trusting their kindness. . . and good hearts. . . and they were so good for him. As I know they will be so good for Luke.

And they remembered Jack. How it made me smile. Jack and Junior. Inseparable boy and his dog. They said they had just been talking about him days ago. And how Mrs. Davis kept the dog ornament he gave her in a dresser drawer. [This is so they remember Junior, Mama.]

And we left, happy with the new school. Happy remembering Jack's days there. . . And went out to eat to celebrate sweet endings and new happy beginnings. . .

Chili's. . . love it. . . Jack will eat their burgers. . . and Lukey loves to much from the chip basket.

And we chatted. About life. And trains. And Star Wars. (because in a little boy world, there is nothing more)

And Dada attempted to bring Jack out of his lightsabering obsession: What do the Jedis do when they are not lightsabering the bad guys? They must do something else? Like go to dinner. . . Or watch movies. . .

They look for more lightsaber fights. (of course)

And Ahsoka. What are these things on her head?

They are head tails.

Head tails? But they look like a raccoon. What are they for?

I think that they are tails for her head.

Ahh yes. When you ask Mr. Obvious an question. What else would you expect?

Of course Ahsoka finished off this deep conversation with a kiss on Jack's cheek. Calling her his boyfriend. Which reduced Jack to a strange wordering, melting slump of a boy. Oh Dada.

And, as we left Chili's (Sam sneaking off to the bathroom, and I attempting to wrangle and coat two silly boys). . .

Jack said, What did she do that? Why did Ahsoka do that?

Do what, buddy?

What did she kiss me? And call me her girlfriend?

A true Calvin and Hobbes moment.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

waking from a nightmare. . .

and the cobwebs still clinging to my slowly waking eyes. . .my slowly waking mind. . .
images. . . details. . . swirl, mixed in with my awake thoughts. . .
trying to shake the elusive images. . .
inside, I shudder, and rise. . . too wary of falling back into the black whirlpool from which
I just narrowly escaped. . .
feet touching cold floor, and outside I shiver. . .
hands busy, making normal the day. . .
but the cobwebs still cling. . . and small details. . . .
words, I hear them as if freshly spoken, although the house is still. . . and sleeping. . .
that small bit of me keeps returning to the black waters edge. . .
I feel it tickling my toes. . .
I try to understand the shapes swimming out there beyond fingertip's reach. . .
what are they?
why did they touch me?
eyes more awake, I turn the small bit. . . a child, really. . .
and tell her it's time to go. . .
we have real place to be. . .
a morning to start. . .
and we leave. . .
but still I wonder. . . do those words, those images. . . that will haunt me all day. . .
do they hold truth in their spectered hands. . .

Friday, January 23, 2009

Lukey's Friday Eve Adventures. . .


aka. . . how much fun can a little boy have before a Mama breaks down. . .

Busy day yesterday. Luke started back to his Play Pals classes. . . aka school with Miss Lynn. He has progressed so far since we started these classes. The little boy who would cling to my legs and cry if another child looked at him. Who was afraid to interact with other children. Who wouldn't sit and do anything without having a meltdown. . .

He actually sat in one of those little tykes cars and drove around (something I have been trying to get him to do at home for over a year). And, when the clean-up bell rang, he got right out of the car and helped Mama push it over to the corner and hopped over to the carpet for circle time. Who's child is this?

We sang songs (and he lay sleepily in my lap for the beginning. Mama, I snuggle down. He said . . . which is what we say at bedtime. . .).

Made a cute little snowman (and made signs with the leftover bits of paper, of course). Played with sparkely play-doh (cutting out stars and making numbers).

And had cake. How much of a good day can a little boy have?

Came home in time for some lunch. And then a Mama thought, you know, we never paint anymore. Hmmm...

So I pulled out those little crayola paint brushes that have the paint inside. And we happily made balloons. . . and signs. . . and I ran downstairs to put in some laundry (precariously leaving my Picasso alone for just a minute). And returned upstairs to see that grin. You know the one. That guilty one. The one that instantly tells you the child has been up to no good.

You see I did, Mama. And I walk into the dining room, fearful. Knowing the world will have been painted the crayola blue that he is clenching in his little innocent boy fist. And walk in to find that he created his own traffic light and a few rectangles on the easel. Oh, Mama, so easy to jump to the wrong conclusions.

Yeah.

Only to find later in the day one carpeted step painted blue. (the same steps that I cleaned this morning from the dirty Maxey pawprints he tracked in from outside).

And, as I was making dinner, I looked down at little Max. He looked back at me looking like the dog from Braveheart. How did I miss this? Half of his face streaked with blue (I'm thinking marker was responsible for this one). Looking at me forlorn.


So, wee Luke and I had another conversation about where colors go. . . on paper . . . and not on steps and dogs and such. (I color Maxey. Nice.).


All to fall asleep on my shoulder last night as Dada and Jack and I raced on the Wii. .. So sweet.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

this morning. . .

Jack is back to school . . .
we both shivered as we waited for the bus to arrive.

Knowing I need to go and get my day started. . . my day includes grocery shopping (last day for the groc game week, so I need to get motivated). . . and slaying the growing laundry beast upstairs right now. . .

Sent some thank you emails to Microsoft for tackling the virus beast that sieged our computer last week (a story for another day). . .

But, I'm listening to Luke play with his trains upstairs (well. . .right now he's screaming at Thomas for not behaving how he would like him to. . . such high expectations for such a little plastic train. . .). . .


And I feel a hot cup of tea, a comfy brown couch, and a book calling my name. . . . oh melissa. . .it's too cold to go anywhere today. . .

Oh well. . .

Here's to getting the important things done. . . and warm toes in the process. . .

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Questions. . .


I tease Sam about Jack and his 101 daily questions. About how things work. About how we do things. And most importantly: why? So many explanations. So much curiousity.

But the hard ones. I always get the hard ones.

The first starting with Nemo the fish two years ago (this month, I believe). . . who died the night after we brought him home from the pet store. . . And he wanted to know all about death. And his dead eyes. And his dead mouth. . . And I felt like I was the one drowning.

Never got any better.

The questions only got harder.

And somehow, I am the one he asks. And somehow, Sam is never around. . . ?

And I told Sam that I was fine with it. As long as he took care of those other questions. You know, the really big question. The big talk. Yeah, I don't even know where to begin with that one. And really, I'm not a boy. So, I think that is a boy's department. Right?

OK. . . he agrees. He'll do the talk. So, I'm happy.
Then, Friday night happened......

Friday Sam falls asleep on the couch after a long week. Jack and I are happily building Legos (when are we not happily building Legos?). . .

Mama, do twins have the same birthday?

Yep. Do you know any twins?

I did when I was four. But I don't remember their names.

[maybe I should have shut my mouth right here. . . but, I didn't]

Hmm. Well, twins are two babies in a Mama's belly.
Can there be three?
Yep. They are called triplets. But it doesn't happen very often.
Are you going to have another baby in your belly?
Oh, I don't know. [I should have seen the road signs, right?]
How old do you have to be to get a baby?
Oh not until you are an ADULT. [I'm starting to sweat, because now I see where he's driving me]
How does a baby get in your belly anyway?
[Yep. Here we are.] Oh. Well. That's a very good question. Hmmmm. I'm not really sure. . .

And a subject change. And my head pounding.
And Sam sleeps on sweetly.
Blissfully.
Unaware. And slacking on the job.
Not that I expect to reveal the birds and bees at age six. No way. But, I don't want to even have to step on this field, baby.

Dear Jack:


Today we watched history unfold together. . . Dada and I have taken you to the voting booth every election for the past 6 years. . . And I felt it important for us to watch the results of that election together.

And I had a wonderful time. . .answering your many questions. . . and your six year old wiggles. . . We talked about being president. . . what it means. . . and about his little girls. . . one so very close to your age. . . and what it might be like to live in the White House.

I pointed out to you all the presidents from the past as the were on the screen. You couldn't believe that a Dada and son were president not long apart. And you laughed when I said it would be like Dada being president and then you.

And some serious stuff. . . We talked about how important freedom is. . . How very lucky we are to be free. . . to choose our leaders. . . and how we live our lives. . . and what we want to be when we grow up (something I still ponder. . .). How some people aren't so lucky. . .

And most importantly. . . that you can be whatever. . . whoever. . . you want to be. Dream big, buddy. And follow your heart.

Not sure if you will remember today, as you lay on the couch. . . lightning mcqueen jammies. . .snuggled up to Mama in my robe. . .trying to make me laugh. . .trying hard to be patient. But someday you will read about this turning point in our history. And you watched it unfold. With a wonderful sense of curiousity and silliness that is so you. You were there. . .

Love you,
Mama

cozy. . .


Watching the snowflakes fly outside the window. . .


piling up on the ground. . .fluffy. . .


ready for little feet to run, great galumphing, boot steps. . .

dreaming of sliding down great hills in the backyard. . .


or just cuddle close. . .

sipping warm coffee, warming by the heater. . .
feeling safe. . .
that happy, deep down. . .content. . .

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

to ponder. . .

Jack's thought-provoking. . .soul-searching. . .mama confounding. . .question of the day:

Is there tomorrow in heaven?

Mama jaw drop. . .ummmm. . . hmmm. . .reaching into the depths of my brain. . .into my soul. . .

and he continues. . .

I think not. I think it is a day that never ends.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Is he a smart dog?

A question Sam always answers with. . . Well, he's loyal. . .


Moxie has to be watched like a hawk outside just yet. He has a little tendency to be friendly. . . and wander. . . And until we install the electric fence, we watch. . .

And today, as it snows, I watch from the windows. And as I watched him wander towards the back of the house. . . and lift his front right back paw in a telltale point (sniff. . .sniff. . .who want's to play with Max?. . .). . . I tap the kitchen window glass. . .

Maxie! Stay in the yard!

Which stops him in his tracks. . . and that growly bark. . . and he runs to the back door. . . barky growl. . . mmmmma!

Max. It's me. Your Mama!

mmmmma!

And he runs back to the apple tree. To look me in the eye. . .bark. . .and dig at the ground with his back paws. . . a challenging manuever I can only surmise he learned from the deer out back. Well, because. . .he's loyal. . .and maybe not the sharpest knife in the drawer. . .

And he runs to the front.

I greet him at the front door. Maxie!

And he immediately begins search mode. Running into the kitchen. . . the living room. . . back to the entry and a gaze up the steps. . . back to the kitchen and the back window.

. . .I suppose that intruder slipped out the back door.

filling our home with music. . .

This morning. . . Sam urged me to do something different. . .

And as lovely as that sounds. . . just can't figure out what that something different would be. And so, right now, I am filling our home with music. Love music. Fills me. . . makes my soul fly as though I am dreaming. . .

Right now, Rhapsody as loud as I can. . .

Love music. . .and I don't know why I don't listen more often. . .

and my playlist as varied as this season's winter weather. . .

Bittersweet Symphony. . . The Verve
Running Away. . . Hoobastank
Crawling in the Dark. . .Hoobastank
Fake it. . . Seether
Bring me to Life. . . . Evanescence
Mayonnaise (Accoustic). . . Smashing Pumpkins
X-Files (from the new movie)
Lullabye (Goodnight my Angel). . . Billy Joel
Rock Star. . . Nickleback
Through Glass. . . Stone Sour
Flood. . . Jars of Clay
Only Happy when it Rains. . . Garbage
Wild Horses. . . The Sundays
Given Up (live at Milton Keys). . . Linkin Park
Sister. . . The Nixons
Breakdown. . . Tantric
Touch, Peel and Stand. . . Days of the New
I am the Highway. . . Audioslave

17 of my latest tracks. . . . out of 56. . . Making me happy right now. . . flying. . .

[doughnuts]

Thursday, January 8, 2009

slowing down. . .


Making the most of our days together. . . feeling the tug at my heart for the coming fall and four year preschool. . .

This morning, we colored signs together. . . sharing crayons. . .

And then baked some cookies. . . having fun with the blue and green sprinkles. . . and making our home smell like a bit of the holidays. . .

[Loving my new lens for my camera. . . loving. . . and practicing. . .]

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

dinner time antics. . .

Tuesday night was haircut night. . . mistakenly I thought for all the boys. . .but, only scheduled for Sam (apparently 6 weeks in between haircuts for the boys is a little too long these days). . .

So, after a quick shave and a haircut. . . (don't groan. . .that one was just dying to happen. . .)

We headed to dinner. . . deciding between the usual McD's. . .Burger King. . .Pizza Hut. . .Chik-fil-A. . . we decided to be daring and do something different. . .

Yep, a run for the border. . . Reminiscing about our dating days when the only Taco Bell around was in Washington. . . and we would drive like we were going to a foreign country. . . feeling wild and dangerous with our Mexican dinner. . .

ah, those were the days. . .

Jack, coincidentally, loves tacos (bliss), so he loved the idea.

Tacos it was. Luke, his usual self, turned his nose up at anything that was not a french fry. . .and happily played with his cars at the table. Driving them around, until they went plummeting under the table or across the floor.

We hung out for a while after dinner. . . and then the magic happened.

Not the MTv magic. . . Zeli magic . . .

With three napkins and one Lightning MacQueen, one Tia (aka Tita), and one Sally. . . we had an impromptu Dada magic show. Rivaling the skills of Chris Angel and David Blaine, Dada made Lukey's beloved friends disappear under those brown napkins. . .

Lukey's eyes wide. . . and a bit dismayed. . . he looked all over the floor, under tables, trying to locate his cars. . .

Only to clap, mouth wide with excitement, when they returned under the same napkin.

Pure delight. We laughed for a long time.

And Jack had his try at the great disappearing act. . . and apparently Lukey was not quite as convinced. . .

Wonderful, laughing, Zeli fun. . .

Sunday, January 4, 2009

tidbits. . .

Sleeping under the Christmas tree was beautiful. . . laying there. . . dancing with the lights. . .

It's like we're Christmas presents. . .Jack whispered. . .

But the worst part was. . .sleeping on the floor. . . must be getting old. . . because my body still hurts today. . . but wouldn't have missed it for anything. . .

Last night Sam put his telescope together. It's huge! I had it delivered to Sam's dad because I knew it would be too heavy for a post-op me (22 pounds heavy). . . But when he told me it came in two boxes. . . And when he brought it through the door Christmas eve (wrapped in garbage bags), I was mouth-dropping awed.

It came together pretty quickly. . . and he called Jack and I out into the frosty, starry night. . . and we peeked at the moon. . . full of spots and craters and beauty. . . quiet. . . and still. . .


Seeking out the seven sisters. . . and all the bright spots around them. . .

Amazed how bright the cosmos are, hiding from our eyes. . .

Today. . . the last day of Christmas vacation. . . a little sad. . . but taking it slow. . . thinking about new resolutions. . . and lists for fullfilling my heart. . . remembering to be in the moment. . . savoring silliness with Luke. . . and games with Jack. . .

playing Star Wars on the floor. . . with a Clone Trooper and his "ten" . . . trying on General Grevious' cape and believing he's King of the Star Wars world. . . ordering peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. . . and all the laughter we can hold before our sides split. . .

Wishing that every day this brand new year will hold these slow, happy moments. . . and that we savor them like today. . .

Friday, January 2, 2009

happy new year. . . part 2. . .


Tonight we sleep under the lights of the Christmas tree. . . Mama, Dada, Jack, and Max. . . to celebrate the New Years Eve with Jack that he slept through (and realized unhappily at bedtime last night). So, tonight. . . at 10:59. . . we counted down the seconds to a fresh New Year. . . (a little early, but we're OK with that. . . after all, it's our new year). . .

after spending the evening building a cozy home for the Star Wars good guys. . .

and while the sleep in their comfy lego beds. . .

the boys and I will be dreaming of our New Year adventures yet to come. . .

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year. . .

A day spent at home with my boys. . .

Star Wars battles all around. . . Clone Troopers. . . Storm Troopers. . . and Battle Droids. . .

and Zooka. . . the Star Wars love of two little boys. . .

Sam and Jack spent the early afternoon Wii-ing it. . . battling Star Wars legos. . .

Lukey has been spending time in his room with the train table. . . with Percy and Thomas and Lady the golden engine . . . going round and round. . .

Until he came downstairs searching for Toby. Mama, you get Toby. . . I can't greech it. . . Mama you get Toby. And then that sweet little voice got distracted by a half-finshed glass of apple juice. . . And five minute later, looked at me. . . Mama, we shoot da rowing dess baws? (translation: Mama, let's go violently shoot us some rolling death balls). . .

Maybe a little too much Star Wars?

And a finished knitted scarf for Sam. (While watching Penn State loose to USC. . .).

A good day. . . A good way to start our new year. . .

2008. . .